The past few weeks have been very hectic but I have noticed something...

Have you ever had a hard time getting over something? And then it isn't even about that one thing anymore because it comes to represent even more than what it was. Which makes it even more difficult to get over that thing and anything that resembles it. Does my circular rambling make any sense?

Yesterday I was reading in a book that Matt's studying and in a section about marriage it talks about how a husband is to sacrificially love his wife. It said something like this, "we are not called to love her for her saintliness, we are called to love her in her sinfulness and if we do not then we do not truly love."

This sums up my entire struggle. There have been numerous people who have said they loved, but they loved me in my saintliness. And when push came to shove and I was stripped of that saintliness, my sin exposed, their backs turned.

They never really loved.

I'm temped to be all politically correct and say it's ok they didn't love, they don't have to. But that isn't true, is it? Christ commands all of us to love, but what he commands me to do is to look to my own character, not that of others. We all are called to edify, exhort, and even admonish at times, and we might (often) botch it up, but we cannot be responsible for someone else loving, listening, or giving. We can only take care of ourselves. 

Broken commitments, assumptions about motives, rejection, it's all apart of life for us all and what we reap we will sow. If we sow faithful friendships we will reap faithful friendships. If we sow fair-weather, we reap fair-weather. I do not wish this on anyone, in fact I pray the opposite is true.

I'm thankful for the many images of Christ's love and the church God has given me over the years. When I focus on that, the painful experiences are far apart and few. And when I focus on his faithfulness I am humbled and forget about myself except my own unworthiness. I pray my task would be to not protect myself, but to open myself, knowing if harm comes- it is Christ who is my refuge, not the praise or love of man.

Last night I was driving home from Church and as I passed the rows of alternating corn and soy fields I couldn't help but remember the first time I became aware of the smell. I remember this first time awareness every summer and it's one of the things I miss the most when away from rural Indiana. I was 15 and my parents had just picked me up from a month long missions trip in 2 different countries. I was exhausted and it was almost dusk but as we drove the 45 minutes back to Nappanee through the fields I smelled my home for the first time. I had never been away long enough to recognize it- the sweet mixture of corn, soy, earth and manure. Since that first summer I have looked for, even longed for the last few warm months knowing the air would be filled with this heady sweetness. Last night it was amplified, a thick layer of misty clouds had rolled in and the humidity was settling closer to the earth, ready for dusk and the dew to fall, it held in the scent, the beautiful sweetness that would feed the live stock, which would feed us for the next year. I had just ended a time of fellowship with some of the people who had held me up through tough years of abandonment, financial insecurity, and loneliness. We shared our struggles, fears, and the the prayer requests of those we love. I am heart broken by the loss my little town is experiencing and this loss is very close to home. But I must remember that it is in tough times our true character is revealed, when we are refined as gold. As I heard concern after concern raised I remembered a statement from one of my favorite authors on the sovereignty of God, he reminded me that all of life's events must first pass the throne of God before they reach people. He is ever teaching us, ever reaching out to us, in His grace he remembers that all of life is a process and as we stumble along his mercy and patience bear with us even in times of extreme darkness and uncertainty.  Nothing surprises him. I find comfort relying on this truth and remembering it is through pain that people are best bonded. Having moved from Nappanee to Indianapolis to Central New York I am constantly reminded of the rare blessing I received growing up in such an encouraging and safe place. I am confident that tough times which might divide any other community will serve to build up Nappanee because we are strong in faith, hope and love- the three ingredients needed to love God and love others.

I have been contemplating where the Lord has gifted me and what would be the most useful for the body and as a tool to reach unbelievers in my search for what to do about a master's degree.

And then I read Isaiah 40 again this morning...

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy and spreads them out like a tent to live in." It goes on to say "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or wary and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. THey will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow wary, they will walk and not be faint."

Why, might you ask, is this important? I have a bachelors in counseling which just means I know some stuff about the Bible, human nature and how to affect change. Doesn't mean I'm mature :). So as I look at a masters,  I want something that will grow and stretch me and I want to empower the body to do what it has been called to do for each other and in the world.  

But so why is it important. I'm asking myself this as well...

Our answers to our problems are not found within ourselves. This is a lie from Satan that even Christian counselors have taken up. Do you not know? Have you not heard? You're a mess. Who made you a mess? We'll, it isn't really God's fault, but he did make you and you were born with a disease called sin, to sinful parents and one day you will pass your sin along to another generation. I'm sorry your parents screwed you up but don't worry, your chance is coming soon enough to screw others up as well. This is the bad news before the goodnews. I will not teach or counsel anything else and seeing as how much of the Christian counseling world has been over wraught with theoeries I would be expected to not teach this at all times.

The goodnews is that Jesus saves. It does not always look and sound this blunt in the context of relationships but this is ALWAYS our message as believers and lovers of Christ. ALWAYS.

Will this message turn some away? Yes. But Jesus said it would, he warned it would, he warned that some would hate us for this message. This is a warning to us- if our message does not turn some away, even when spoken in love and gentleness then we probably are not preaching the whole gospel to ourselves or to others.

Submission to this message brings freedom. Only in abiding in Christ can we and others truly experience live abundant and everlasting lives. Our freedom is found in taking our eyes off ourselves and problems and placing them on to the One who Saves knowing he "is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow wary, they will walk and not be faint."

So, I ask, do I want to be a light in the darkness where His message is hampered by political correctness but still be used greatly, or do I want to be a light in the darkness where his message is not hampered? I don't think there is a right answer, they're different arenas and light is needed in both places.

I'm praying for direction and if anyone has anything to offer I welcome your thoughts (even in disagreement :)